Today was supposed to be your birthday. Today we would have found out if you were a boy or a girl. After all, your Mom and I have already gone back and forth for months (and yes even years) about whether or not to find out your gender prior to meeting you for the first time. Today you would have gone from our little “Burrito” as we called you to having a special name. Today, possibly, we would have had to decide which of the three boy names we have on our list you looked like more. Today we might have had to go through the three girl names that your Mommy has been dying to give to a girl. Today we would give you a first name that had some special meaning that we would hope guides your life as with your brother Asher “happy or blessed” and Ezra “a help from God or God’s helper.” Today we would give you a middle name that has family ties and embraces our family heritage. Today we would have debated who you looked like more; your mommy or daddy. Today we even would have compared you to pictures of your two brothers when they were born. Today I would not even cared who you looked like! Today you would have met grandparents that would travel from a country far away. Today you would have met your grandparents that live near by. Today your aunt “Corky” would have traveled cross-country to see you. Today your aunt “Cellcy” might have taken off work, would have been watching your brothers, and then brought them to the hospital to see you once we sent out the text “It’s a . . .”
Today was supposed to be a good day, even a great day. A magical day. A day that was going to be life changing. . . it still is life changing.
I have cried when hearing the song I Can Only Imagine and while I know that song is about seeing God for the first time, I have cried about getting to see you for the first time. I have cried just thinking about Eric Clapton’s song Tear in Heaven and wondered myself “would you know my name if I saw you in heaven. . . would it be the same if I saw you in heaven. I must be strong and carry on . . . ” I don’t WANT TO CARRY ON! I have felt angry at the song “Blessed be your Name” about blessing God in the middle of the wilderness of life especially when it says “You give and take away. . . my heart will choose to say LORD blessed be your name.” I have felt comfort in that same song.
I have had tears watching a Huggies commercial prior to your brothers watching Octonauts. I have had tears well up as I have seen all the birth announcements of our friends and wanting to scream “US Too!” I have hurt deeply when hearing other friends are having a miscarriage. I have wondered if I some how jinxed everything by telling one friend and only one friend about us expecting you before we announced it to the whole family. It got old really quick when people simply asked me how I am doing and how my day was knowing that I couldn’t share that we lost you.
It hurt when I deleted the photo of the positive pregnancy test of you from my phone. I will never delete you from my life.
It was heart breaking experiencing others deliver their babies during my Labor and Delivery nursing clinicals knowing that I would not get to the experience the same joy of seeing you! I just want to hold you in my arms!
It was nearly impossible to drive back home safely from my nursing clinical at 70 mph when your Mommy told me for the first time “guess what we are pregnant!” It was even harder going back into class the day I got the text message “there’s no heart beat” knowing that I could not be with your Mommy and that you were not coming to see us on August 9th, 2016.
I would have taken you no matter what. It wouldn’t matter if you had a congenital abnormality. I would have loved you. I HAVE loved you till your last heartbeat.
Today is JUST August 9th, 2016. A day that was going to be life changing. . . it still is life changing.
Today is a hard day to say that I Love you and Trust. Today I hurt and I cry and want my baby. May your name still be praised LORD. . . even when my heart hurts and I don’t want to praise your Name. Amen.
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21.